There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize
