did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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