I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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