Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
