by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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