Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
