remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
