At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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