i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
