ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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