Cold hands, warm shart.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
