I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
