Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize