I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize