She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
