It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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