that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
