id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
