u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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