I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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