Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
