so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
