No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
