Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
