i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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