Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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