omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Is Oprah even human
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
