I want to have your abortion
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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