I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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