Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
