I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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