soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
