A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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