Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Is Oprah even human
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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