come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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