You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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