I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
