It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
