i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
