How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize