Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
