Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
