So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Just puked most of my soul out..
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
