I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
