We won't sleep together?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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