then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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