Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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