i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
