i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
