I'm lost and stupid without you.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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