I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
He felt like a one man threesome
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
