Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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