You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
