Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
