I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Randomize
