Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
