I'm eating all of the evidence.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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